It’s 2:30 AM and I’m up worrying. I worry about everything lately. Rarely do I worry about things that actually affect me directly. Exams are in two weeks and I haven’t studied. But am I nervous? Nope.
Instead, I worry about the big things. The things that are overwhelming because I can’t fix them.
Racial inequality. I just read the story of the two African-American men being arrested in the Starbucks in Philidelphia. They asked to use the restroom while they waited for a friend and were arrested for trespassing. As a white woman who wears suits every morning, I’d bet my bottom dollar that will never happen to me. I’m overwhelmed because how do I fix this? How do I help restore this? How do I bring justice into this?
Socioeconomic Divides. Our country is clearly divided between the haves and the have-nots. I recently spoke with a person in town who is worried her child may never go to college, because Vermont has some of the most expensive in-state tuition in the country and federal loans won’t cover it all. The family doesn’t have good enough credit to co-sign for student loans. Why did I get to have an education and this child may not? How do I fix this? How do I break down systemic greed and capitalistic lies that have penetrated the American psyche so that politicians justify college as a privilege so that generational poverty due to lack of access to education and social resources persists?
Humanitarian Issues Around the Globe. Why do I get to sleep safe in a warm bed tonight while millions of people sleep on the cold ground in tents in makeshift refugee camps? Moving place to place because of corrupt politicians and hard-hearted have stripped them of their God-given dignity and worth. How do I fix this? How do I help break down systemic greed and corrupt? How do I get Christians to care?
Prisoners Rights. How many innocent individuals are on death row? How many innocent people are in prison because they couldn’t afford a competent attorney?
Abuse within the Church. How many churches have forgotten Jesus? How many people are only social Christians and attend church once a week but aren’t living a transformed life? A life of service? How many churches are covering abuse, whether it be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or all three? How many people, today, were treated poorly by Christians and vowed never to return?
I guess I’m frustrated because I feel like the church isn’t acting. If there were really 1 billion transformed Christians on this planet, each living a radical life of sacrificial love and truly believing that all humans are equal, the world would be different. Our families would be different. Our friendships would be different. Our politics would be different. The whole world. Would. Be. Different.
And then I look at myself. Am I radical enough? Am I living shamelessly enough? Am I defending my neighbors enough, because y’all I have been given so much privilege: I have the internet. I’m literate. I’m educated. I’m not a minority in any way, shape, or form. I’m wealthy (by the global standard, at least). I have access to health and dental care. I have a care. I have a stable home. I’m loved. I’m not being abused. Literally, I have the life that people could only dream of, and I can’t help but feel that I’m not doing enough. I’m not loving every person I meet well. I still have biases that creep in. I don’t donate all of my extra money, I still love seamless and netflix.
I guess it comes down to this: I’m not uncomfortable with anything in my life and that’s a problem. As a Christian, I am called to be uncomfortable. I need to give more of my time and money so that I depend on Christ to provide. I need to hang out with “the least of these more” and not care about what my “friends” may think. I need to use my career to advocate for change. I need to post on social media things that stir convictions, not just get likes. I. Am. Not. Doing. Enough.
This isn’t a conventional blog post. I don’t have some wisdom to offer. This post was real and raw, and literally me admitting to the world that I’m a broken, selfish person. Much has been given to me and I have not been using all of my privileges as best I can. Pray for me, please.